Growing up in a lower middle class home with divorced parents, I never had the opportunity to take dance classes during childhood. I did gymnastics for a few summers, but never did the dance thing. As far back as I can remember I have viewed myself as fat. Along with all the negative images and feelings that go with it. I seem to recall these feelings shading all that I did. Or didn't do, as the case may be. In elementary school we had what were called "field days". Simply put, this one day a year was the bane of my existence from the 1st-5th grade. It was the day when parents came and everyone went outside to do horrible relay races up and down the field. Being a what I perceived as a fat child I absolutely dreaded this event. The thought of running around in front of people, possibly missing my cue to run or grab the baton, or worse yet falling, made my stomach leap to levels of activity the rest of my chubby little body never saw. I was relieved when elementary school was over. Little did I know what horrors middle school held.
So here I am, 20 some odd years of fatness later. I am what I would call a "hobbyist". I sing, opera actually. But I haven't majored in it. I write but make no money at it. My photography, while excellent in my mind has yet to equal a steady income. My exercise/ athletic interaction is the same. For a few years in my early 20's I walked and jogged a lot. Partially because of my job at the time. And partially because it helped me improve me body and allowed me time to think. The going for a walk or jog when I need to work things out in my mind is still a habit I have. Tennis is another hobby I have. I picked it up in middle school. It was around this time in my life that the positive aspects of team sports entered my mind. I realized that if I were to make the team I would have conditioning and tennis practice to help me get fit. This thought would re-emerge at the end of my freshman year, this time in the form of cheerleading. I'm OK at tennis, most of my returns still end up in someone else's court though. Which brings us to ballet. Me and a room full of mirrors. Knowing that the teacher would need to assess my body to determine whether or not I was suited for ballet, I elected to wear yoga pants and a Gap tank top. I will not make that mistake twice. The sight of my ham arms waving back at me from the reflection was sobering. As was the image of my dimpled thighs and stomach jiggling with each plie´. Fearing a foot would snap in half with each releve´ I followed the movements of the teacher. Gaining a glimmer of hope with each nod, smile and positive encouragement the teacher had for me, I finished out the hour long class. I am a fat girl. My stomach is not flat and my thighs touch all the time. . . .Not just when I'm turned out. History and health aside I have one more obstacle. Money. I am also one of the unemployed masses that are so common these days. Three hurdles to jump. Can I do it?
You're writing is beautiful. It makes it so easy to relate to. I think it's amazing that you are doing this. I took my first dance class(hiphop which seemed safer than ballet) this year and it was sooo hard and so much fun. I have things I hate about my body my knees are extremely crooked due to a twisted femur bone and my crooked hips and spine, not only are they crooked but as knobby as they can be..I love the movement, flow, the beauty of ballet and you may have just inspired me to be brave. thank you.
ReplyDeleteOh. my. word! I JUST read this! Thank you so much for the compliment. I find inspiration in you, that im not the only adult late to the dancing game. Kudos on choosing hip hop. I find that WAY more intimidating than ballet. As foolish as I feel being an adult in a class on middler kids ranging from 9-19 I still feel more secure in ballet than I think I would in hip hop. Although, someday I hope to conquer hip hop.....and stop looking like im having a seizure on the dance floor. :)
ReplyDelete